I know I am just an okay player with a lot of enthusiasm for Gems of War. If I lose a match, I just learn what I can and go on to try to do better.
But I had no idea how embarrassing a single PvP battle could be.
So … um … today I was Pvp’ing and came across a blank team. “Ugh,” I thought. Ah well, let’s pop this nub and move on to a player with a fun and strong defend team.
And that should have been the end of my tale. But oh no … it had only just begun.
The match started and I should have known trouble was on the horizon. I looked around my room, it was just too quiet. But then why worry? It is not like I am climbing up the stairs to a dark attic in a B-Grade Horror movie, right? I mean, my team was facing a single hero.
Oh how wrong I was. It was exactly like being the first victim in a slasher flick.
As the gems began to fall and I began to cringe as the AI uplinked to Skynet and started tossing probability out the window in favor of what can only be described as voodoo or some kind of occult rift in time and space.
That one lone hero STARTED TEARING MY TEAM TO SHREDS.
Wait … is that flipping Yoda? Wait … I uh … “I didn’t attack the younglings, that was that Hayden Christensen guy …”
“OH SHHHHHHIIIIIiiiiiiiiiips on the ocean!”
The AI started matching … e v e r y t h i n g in sight … c a s c a d i n g … skulls falling, ground shuddering, coffee mugs exploding, dogs and cats living together … MASS HYSTERIA!
And then Freaking Black Manacles went off … Wait … WAIT … NOOOOO! NOT DEVOUR !!! THE HERO STATS ARE HUGE NOW… AHHHHHHH…
Cut to a turn later and the Archer third trait went off NOOOOO NOT BULLSEYEE !!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I screamed at the ceiling, “Bullsey is a 15% chance not 1500% you flipping random number gods and goddesses… 15%!!! NOOOOOOO”
childhood ruined everything ruined!!!1!
Well, the match continued and it was like watching an interstate fifty-car pileup in slow motion with your hair going up in flames…
In the end, I limped off the battlefield, the match won though my entire team was wiped out like a battalion of Red Shirts on the Original Star Trek Series, wiped out by this one lone wicked, hardcore, fierce, bad-muther-shut-yo-mouth hero…
…with the exception of (I kid you not) 1 health remaining on my Crimson Bat.
The universe had mercy and Bloodsucking ate the hero leaving a bad taste in the Bat’s mouth and a battle that has emotional scarred my soul.
In conclusion, that was a heck of a thing. I need a few hours for a mental health break…
Gwen: Alex, where are you going?
Dane: To see if there’s a pub!