Originally published at: http://gemsofwar.com/dead-men-tell-no-tales/
But dead parrots never shut up…
Lil’ Johnny Bronze sat down in front of the tavern fire and said, “Let me tell y’all the tale of Captain Skullbeard!”
“Many years ago, Ol’ Skully were one o’ me crew! If Bonnie Rose were me right hand, then Ol’ Skully were me left hand… These were the days when I 'ad a left hand, mind ye! AND two feet! Arrr-har-har! And I still WOULD have ‘em if it weren’t for Ol’ Skully!”
“Now Ol’ Skully weren’t his name back then… he were known as Small Sole Paul, on account o’ his feet bein’ tiny like a pretty little Elf lass. But those little feet could move him through the rigging like a monkey with a Goblin rocket up its socket! Aye! Ye never seen a man or woman hit the crow’s nest as fast as Ol’ Skully back in the day! But he had a problem with the grog!”
“So one fine day, we sail outta Blackhawk Harbor. Small Sole Paul is leaping from rope to rope, drunk as a Dwarf at his in-laws, when he slips and goes straight over the side! At first we were all a-laughin’, but then I sees a shark’s fin in the water, so I dives in to save him. It were a brutal fight, twixt me and the shark, and that be where I lost me leg! But we got Small Sole Paul out to safety.”
“Now, fortunately Lil’ Johnny Bronze is made of stern stuff! Aye, I healed pretty fast, and a few days later I were back up on deck tryin’ out me new wooden leg, to MUCH success! I see Small Sole Paul leapin’ through the riggin’ as he were wont to do, drunk as an Elf after half a glass o’ candy water again! And sure enough, he slips right in front o’ me eyes. This time he doesn’t land in the water though, he lands in the brazier in the middle o’ the main deck and catches himself on fire! O’ course I limp over as fast as I can, and I tries to put the fire out. I saves him again, but me hand were a mess… so much so, the doc chopped it off with a big cleaver and fitted me with this 'ere HOOK!”
Lil’ Johnny brandished his big bronze hook for all to see; there were ooohs, ahhhs, and at least one stray burp.
“Now I were rightly a little peeved with Small Sole Paul at this point! So I says to him: Paul, if ye don’t get off the grog, I’m gonna run outta limbs savin’ yer skinny little arse! Before that ‘appens though, if I catch ye drinkin’ again, I’m gonna slap ye so hard, it’s gonna slap the grog right outta ye!”
“Paul nodded, but I could tell he were gonna sneak some rum the first chance he got, so I kept an eye on him. That VERY night, I found him sittin’ up on fo’castle with a pitcher o’ rum, so I did exactly what I said. I went over and slapped him about the ears as hard as I could.”
“And that be how Captain Skullbeard were born.”
The audience in the tavern looked confused. Someone piped up, “Wait… He became an evil ghost pirate because you SLAPPED him?”
Lil’ Johnny Bronze guffawed. “Oh, Aye! He did! Ye see I forgot I had the new hook… put it clean up his ear canal into his brain. Terrible mess it was - spilt rum everywhere!”
“We threw the body overboard after that. Had no idea he’d come back and swear vengeance on me. Damned inconsiderate, when you think of all I did for HIM!! Ar-har-har!”
Gizmo is ready!!!
